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After she hung up the phone, her legs were so shaky she had to sit down. Dinner. Dinner tomorrow night with Angel. So they could talk about the good old times. She felt a hysterical laugh bubble up in her clenched throat. The good old times. How I broke you. How I destroyed all of us. Oh, the good old times. ******************************************************** Everyone had been looking forward to the Winter Formal for ages. It was senior year, their last year together and for once, they were all relatively settled. She with Angel. Xander with Faith. And of course, Will and Dru. All one big happy family. As Angel twirled her in his arms, she could see Will dancing with Dru, her head on his chest, eyes closed in rapture. Wise men say
When the song ended, they headed over to the refreshment table where Xander was standing with Faith. They were arguing. She watched as Faith tried to take away Xander's paper cup of lemonade. Xander pushed her hand away and downed it in one gulp. He turned and saw her first. "Hey Buffy! Want some lemonade?" Faith looked as if she were going to cry or punch him. She didn't know what to do. "Uh, sure Xander. Thanks." She took one careful sip of the drink he handed her and choked. It tasted bitter and rank. He had put alcohol in it. Angel grabbed the cup from her hands and threw it away. He stared at Xander who was polishing off his third drink in five minutes. His eyes were sad and a little bit angry? She had never seen Angel angry. He was always so even-tempered. "Xander, give me your cup. What do you think you're doing?" Xander lurched towards him and almost fell over if not for Faith's hand on his arm, tugging him back. "Lighten up, man. I'm just having fun? Aren't you?" "I'm all for having fun. But not like this." Xander sneered. "Holy Angel. Champion of the people, defender of puppies, and patron saint of the clueless." She gasped and Faith dropped her hand from Xander's arm, shocked. Xander had never spoken this way. He and Angel were like brothers. He had always been closer to Angel than to Will. She supposed that she shouldn't be surprised. They had all seen this coming for a while. Ever since senior year started, Xander had been fighting even more with his father who wanted him to stay after graduation and help out at the garage. He had given Xander two black eyes when Xander said he was going to college, come hell or high water. Angel told her Xander had shown up at his door ranting and raving drunk. A week later he had been kicked off the baseball team for coming to practice sloshed and shouting epithets. Coach Flutie had been prepared to go to Principal Snyder. The only thing that saved Xander from getting expelled was Will and Angel, who threatened to quit the team if the Coach told Snyder. "What are you talking about Xander?" Angel's large gentle hands had formed into fists and now she was truly afraid. Xander turned to her and winked slyly, making a motion as if zipping his lips. Her stomach dropped. He knew. He knew. Ohgodohgodohgod. For all of his joking around, Xander had always been terrifyingly perceptive. When he wanted to be. She felt someone at her back and turned to see Will and Dru walking up. Will took one look at Xander and shook his head in disgust. "Good God, Floppy. You're tanked." Xander started giggling hysterically. She found Dru's trembling hand slipping into her own. She was frozen in fear as if an oncoming train was barreling upon her. "That's right, golden boy. Circle the wagons, Xander's in trouble again. Xander's a no-good drunk just like his old man. Let's stop him before he embarrasses us. We can't have that, can we? We can't have a little bit of truth." Will's face flushed with fury and Angel grabbed his arm, holding him back. "What in God's name are you talking about? Get yourself together man, we're taking you home." Xander swayed back and forth, humming off-key to the music echoing off the gym walls. 'Love me tender, love me true, never let me go...' "You know what I'm talking about. You think I'm an idiot? You think I don't see? We're not kids anymore, William. I don't worship you anymore." "I never asked you to worship me, Xander." Xander was screaming now. Oh God, oh God, please make this stop. Why are you doing this to us? "You never had to ask! You just expected. For all of us to fall in line. Well, fuck you William James. Fuck you. I'm not one of your blind followers anymore." Angel grabbed Xander and started dragging him towards the exit. They all followed like a death march. A funeral procession. Their funeral. They would all die tonight. Xander would see to it with his viper tongue finally loosed by too much alcohol and too many years as a beaten shadow. In the parking lot, Xander wrenched himself from Angel's grasp and started pacing and gesturing wildly, a broken hurricane smashing everything in it's path. Tonight, the walls would come down. Will took out his keys and opened the DeSoto's doors. "Get in the car, Xander. NOW." "Get in the car, Xander. Now. Do what I say, Xander. Now." Xander mimicked and laughed. His head flew back. Faith had reached up and slapped him. Angel and Will stared at her in shock. Dru grasped her hand in a death-grip, and whimpered. For once, she did not loathe Dru's touch. She was sure she would have fallen without it. Everything was turning out so dark. Xander touched his cheek, now flaming with Faith's scarlet hand-print. "That's my girl. Hit me. Like my father." Faith started sobbing. No one had ever seen Faith cry. She hadn't thought it was possible. "Xander, I love you. But please, don't be like this." He threw his hands in the air and kicked the side of Will's car. "Don't be like what? Don't be myself? You want me to be a cowering piece of trash? So you can have power over me too? With your lips and breasts and legs? You whore!" Angel threw Xander over the hood of Will's car, holding him down by the throat as he struggled and spat. "That's enough, Xander! So help me God, if you don't come to your senses, I will kill you." "I hate you! I hate you all! You all think you're better than me? That you can feel sorry for me? You're the ones who are sorry." For the first time since this whole nightmare ensued, she found her voice. "Please Xander. Just let Will and Angel take you home." Xander dragged Angel's hands off him and now was advancing towards her. Slinking like a cobra. "Darling Buffy. Such a good girl. Always so concerned about your old pal Xander." She stood like petrified rock as he ghosted his hand over her left breast. Angel choked in fury and rushed upon Xander, Will at his heels. Xander danced away and swayed drunkenly back and forth. When he spoke again, it was the low, rumbling monotone of a prophet, raining down holy fire, searing them all to ash. "I bet she tastes real sweet, doesn't she Angel? Or should I be asking Will? How about it, Will? How does our little Buffy taste? Come on, you can tell me. We're all friends here." She felt nothing but Dru's hand slipping out of her own. Watched numbly, praying for death, as Dru backed away, palms raised upwards as if to ward off a blow. "Will, what's he saying?" His eyes had gone wide with fear. He tried to grasp Dru's arm but she wrenched away, the folds of her dress whipping in the frozen winter wind. Dru turned to stare at her, eyes calm and clear and so, so cold. Like an avenging angel. "Is this true, Buffy? Don't say anything. I can see it is." No. Lies, lies, lies. YES. It's the truth. Please kill me now. "Dru, I love YOU. You know this. I have loved only you. I know I've never told you but it's true. It's the only truth. Summers! Tell her." But her voice had flown away. Her throat as cracked and dry as a wasteland. He turned a look of such fear and hatred upon her that she felt ripped apart from every direction. She stared dumbly back at him and then at Angel. Oh, Angel. He was slumped at her side, hands trembling, refusing to meet her stricken gaze. By this time, Dru had turned into stone. Her back to them all. "Take me home William." Dru slid into the DeSoto and with one last look at her, he got in beside Dru. She would remember that look forever. Burning in her mind like a forest fire. Despair, fear, and above all an icy, freezing hatred. They peeled out of the parking lot in a blaze of darkness, like a hearse. Leaving the scent of burned rubber and destruction acrid in the air. Xander was now hunched on the ground, vomiting out his venom. Faith standing at his side, staring down at him retching, shivering and clutching her arms but not helping. When Angel spoke it was like a gunshot firing. "Faith, can you get him home?" Faith nodded, still silent. "Good. Be careful." "Thank you Angel." Angel steered her towards his car, hand cold and impersonal on her elbow. Her legs refused to move. "Buffy, get in the car please. You'll catch your death outside." She laughed, high and shrill and desolate. I hope so. I hope to catch my death. But it keeps running away from me. Like everyone. The ride back to her house was made in silence. Angel's impenetrable eyes fixed on the road ahead. He had already left her. Just like Will. When he walked her up to her door, he turned and looked at her for what seemed the first and last time. "Angel, I..." "I know. I've always known. I'm not as clueless as Xander thinks. As everyone thinks. I see things too." "Angel..." "I see you. I see your eyes and I follow them. They always lead one place. Back to him." "No, I..." "It's too late for pretending, Buffy. For all of us. I can't pretend anymore. We've all just been playing pretend." "Angel please." The tears were falling. She was drowning so fast. "We're all too old to pretend now." And he walked off, got into his car, and drove away. The news spread like wildfire Monday morning at school. 'Did you hear? Xander Harris got drunk at the Winter Formal and wrenched the steering wheel away from his girlfriend Faith Wilkins. They crashed into a tree. Harris is in the hospital with a broken leg and battered face. Faith is at home resting with minor injuries. Boy, are they lucky to be alive.' She clutched her books and made her way through the halls, eyes down. She never wanted to look anyone in the face again. God had punished them because of her. Because of the darkest voice in her mind that loved like a cancer. When she finally looked up in History class, *his* eyes were on her, shining with loathing and unshed tears. Like Medusa, turning her to stone. ********************************************************** She clutched the sofa arms, biting her lips to keep from crying. Tasting her own blood. 'Buffy, we would love to have you over for dinner tomorrow. Catch up on old times.' She was a coward. She would go. Tomorrow she would go. And do her penance. He knew. Did you know that? They both knew. About me. About my darkest voice. They all knew before I did. Did you know? I was so blind. Even then. The blackness now is nothing. Nothing compared to the willing darkness I lived in then. Forgive me. I once was lost but now. I SEE. |