The doorknob looked evil. All shiny and polished and brass. Mocking her. And showing up with pie was a ridiculous idea. Heya Angel, long time no see. What's it been? Almost twenty years? Sorry about breaking your heart, but look, I brought some pie.

Suddenly the door swung open and she jumped. He was there. Standing in the entryway, smiling calmly at her. People needed to stop startling her in doorways. First Will this morning and now Angel. It just wasn't good on her heart.

"Hello Buffy."

"Um, hi."

He moved aside and motioned for her to enter. She tiptoed cautiously in. Everything looked different. Gone were the hideous doilies and pictures of Connor, his mother's beloved toy poodle. The old puce walls were now painted a cheery sky-blue. The color of Will's eyes.

"The place looks great."

"Thanks. When mother left us the house, we decided to completely redo it."

"Um, it looks great. Really...really great."

Good Lord, she was babbling. But he looked so similar and solid and kind, it made her want to weep.

"Can I get that for you?"

"Huh? Oh yes, thank you. It's a pie. My mother's recipe."

His eyes lit up. That same look he used to get when he was little and would always have third helpings of everything.

"Wonderful. I love your mother's pie. I'm...I'm so sorry, Buffy. She was a lovely lady."

Great, now she was starting to tear up. It was just like Will said. She would always and forever be a leaky faucet.

"Yes, yes she was. Thank you."

"I'm sorry we missed the funeral. We were vacationing in North Carolina at the time."

"Oh, that's alright."

"So...I heard you're teaching history now. That must be very rewarding."

"Yes, yes it is. The children are wonderful."

"That's nice to hear. How is your husband doing?"

"Riley? We're...we're separated."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. It just...wasn't working out."

She trailed off lamely. Her mother would have been so disappointed that she'd made such a muddle of her marriage. But her mother was dead.

"And you? How's...how's the law practice?"

He laughed ruefully.

"Slow. As you've probably noticed, the town hasn't caught up with the rest of the world in terms of embracing litigation. Good for the town, I suppose, but not so good for the town's resident struggling attorney. I just wrapped up a case and that's why we decided it was time for a vacation."

"Oh. And how is she?"

"Good. I..."

But he was cut off by the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Both their heads turned to look up. She hadn't changed a bit either. Still beautiful, still dreamy and gentle. Will's Black Beauty. Angel's wife.

"Oh, Buffy. You're here. Welcome back."

And when Dru enfolded her in her arms, it was the first time she felt like she was truly home again since she had returned.

********************************************************

Oh, she was trapped. She couldn't breathe. She would die here in this dingy stall in the girl's bathroom of Espenson High. She could see Dru's small, delicate feet from under the stall. It had been a month since that awful night at Winter Formal. She'd not spoken to any of them. She was so ashamed. She walked the halls, her heavy heart a throbbing unscabbed battle wound. Feeling like everyone could see the blackness underneath. She had no one to talk to. Her mother could never know. And Will...Will wasn't speaking to her. He ignored her in the halls and stared through her in class as if she were empty air. He was ignoring all of them, receding into himself. At lunch he would sit at a table by himself, his eyes fixed on a book, lifting his fork mechanically to his lips. She no longer sat with the group either. And after the first two weeks, seeing them, seeing him at different ends of the cafeteria, devastated her enough to send her ducking in refuge to the library. She would crouch behind the stacks, miserably eating her lunch with tears in her eyes, the food sandpaper in her mouth.

Merciful God, please make Dru leave.

Suddenly, the stall door banged open and she let out a muffled scream, clutching her chest. Christ on a crutch, when would the school get around to fixing the broken locks in the bathroom?

Dru's face peered at her, pale and pinched.

"Oh, Buffy. I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here. Please, excuse me. I should have checked under the door."

"That's...that's alright. I was just leaving."

Dru stared and she could feel every cell in her body wilting and shrinking away from the clear, steady gaze.

"Can we...can we talk, Buffy?"

"Um, talk?"

She winced at the squeakiness of her voice. In the month since the dance, she'd barely spoken. Her throat grew unused to it.

"Why have you been ignoring us? Why don't you sit with us at lunch anymore? I thought we were friends."

Was Dru on medication? Did she not remember what had happened?

"I haven't. I haven't...been ignoring everyone."

Her voice died away to a whisper.

"I thought you all hated me."

Dru's face was sad and so, so kind.

"What's done is done. What's the point of dwelling on it? There's no one at fault."

"But it is my fault! All of it. I should have told you the truth when Will asked me to. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't speak. Dru, you have to understand. What Xander said...it wasn't...it wasn't true. Will and I are just friends. Were just friends. He loves you. Only you. He would never...he would NEVER hurt you."

Oh, she was so ashamed. The tears were running down her face, her nose was dripping something fierce. But she had to fix things.

Dru sighed and tore off a strip of toilet paper, handing it to her. She wiped her nose and sniffed.

"It doesn't matter anymore, Buffy. I know you and Will never deceived me. That's not why we broke up. It was...it was coming for a while and I refused to see it."

"See what?"

"That he can't love me. Not the way I want him to. There will always be a part of him, I can't reach. I don't know if anyone can reach it."

"Can't you try?"

Dru laughed softly, ruefully.

"I have. But my best is never enough. And that's...that's not what love is supposed to be like. Always reaching, but never actually connecting. Sometimes when I would touch him, it was like my hand was moving through air. When I looked into his eyes, I only saw myself reflected back. Alone."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not. Most of the time, he made me very happy. I just wish he could be happy. I wish you could too."

"Me?"

Dru put her arms around her and she felt bouyed up by her strength.

"Of course. I want all of us to be happy. We deserve it, don't you think?"

******************************************************

"It's so good to see you, Dru."

"You too, Buffy. It's been much too long. And look at you! Goodness, you look wonderful. All tanned and slim. I love your dress, is it new?"

She laughed. Some things, like Dru's attention to clothing, never changed.

"Yes, it is. Thank you. You look wonderful too. You haven't changed a bit."

Dru's laughter mixed with her own and Angel stared down at them, a look of amusement and pride.

"Yes I have. I'm older."

Dru grasped her hand like she would do when they were girls and steered her into the dining room.

"Angel, cover your ears, I don't want my husband to know my deepest, darkest secrets. Buffy, can you believe it? I found a grey hair the other day. It was horrifying. I ran straight down to Wilkins General Store and bought some dye. I refuse to grow old gracefully."

Angel smirked playfully and gasped in shock.

"What? A grey hair? What next, a wrinkle? How my illusions have crumbled! I was always under the impression that my wife would stay lovely and youthful forever. That's it, this marriage is off."

Dru pinched him.

"Oh hush up, you. You're stuck with me. Get used to it."

He kissed his wife on the forehead with a loud smack and she felt her heart swelling with pride and affection. They were so good to her. To each other. She couldn't help but imagine that it could be like this with her and Will. Someday.

They made her sit down and Angel poured the wine as Dru flitted around serving them roast beef, mashed potatoes with gravy, and new baby carrots in butter, refusing her offers of help.

"No, Buffy. You're the guest. Look at Angel, he can't wait to try your apple pie. Honestly Angel, you always want to eat dessert first."

The conversation at the table was light and full of reminiscing. They steered around all the badness and tried to make it easy on her by only talking about the good times. She'd forgotten how many good times they'd all had together.

"And remember that time at Shannon's Pond, you girls were screeching because we'd tossed you in with your clothes on? And Xander laughed so much at your raccoon eyes, he almost threw up?"

Dru gasped in mock fury.

"We never screeched! We were too ladylike. I can't believe how we ever put up with you heathens!"

She grew serious at the mention of Xander.

"How is Xander?"

Angel smiled sadly.

"Xander is still Xander. Still stubborn as a mule. Still proud as all get-out. He's running his daddy's garage now. I don't know if your mother told you but Mr. Harris died a few years ago. Cirrohsis of the liver. It was to be expected. Xander lives above the garage with his mother. She's been sick for a while with arthritis. She's practically an invalid. We always invite him over for dinner but he never comes. Stubborn ass."

Her mother hadn't told her. But then, she'd never asked too much about any of them in their brief and sporadic phone conversations. It had been too painful. Because if she thought about them, she would start to think about *him* and nothing hurt her more than that.

"And Faith?"

Dru sighed.

"She's taken over the store."

"Are they...are they back together?"

Dru looked teary and Angel patted her hand.

"No, and it's the silliest thing I've ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Everyone knows they still love each other. They've both never married. Waiting for each other but pretending they don't care. Pretending that they're strangers. It makes my blood boil. Sometimes I wish I could I could clunk their heads together. Maybe that would knock some sense into them."

"Angel! That is not nice. You know how they are, Buffy. Both so proud and stubborn. You should see the way he hides from her. Once I caught him peeking at her through a gap in the boxes of cereal at the grocery store. Like he couldn't just walk over to the next aisle and talk to her. She still carries a picture of him tucked in the back of her pocketbook. I know. I saw it there one time we were having dinner on our monthly girls night out."

"That is so sad. Can't anything be done?"

"Are you going to see them while you're in town?"

She'd thought of it. Now, she knew she must. She shouldn't meddle but it was just so wrong and she still loved them.

"Of course. Of course I will."

"Good. Maybe you can talk some sense into them. God knows, everyone else has tried."

They fell silent as they ate the pie she brought. That one last topic not touched. She could feel it lingering in the air. You've seen him, haven't you?

Dru slapped Angel's wrist as he reached for a third piece of pie. She laughed when she saw his pout. He looked just like how he did when he was seven and his mother would screech at him not to be such a glutton.

"You eat that and you're going to be awake all night with heartburn."

"But sweetheart, it's a special occasion."

"Hmph. It won't be so special when you're moaning all night asking me why I didn't stop you."

Angel turned to her and winked as Dru huffed, watching him shovel a huge forkful of pie into his mouth. Some things changed. Some things stayed the same.

After they had coffee, she felt her eyelids drooping. It was so comfortable and homey here, she wanted to crawl under the table and go to sleep. Dru looked at her sympathetically and clucked her tongue.

"You look tired, Buffy. You should go home and get some rest. Angel will drive you."

Angel was already out of his chair and fishing for his car keys as Dru put an arm around her and they walked to the door.

In the doorway Dru kissed her cheek fondly and leaned to whisper in her ear, out of Angel's earshot.

"Be good to him. We have all missed you so much. I'll call you soon and we'll have lunch and catch up on girl things."

Oh, how I've wanted to love you and now I do.

She kissed Dru's soft cheek in return.

"Thank you. I have missed you all so much too."

In the car, Angel was silent. She looked over at him nervously, not knowing what he was thinking. Sometimes he could best even Will when it came to brooding. When they reached her mother's house, he clickeed off the ignition and turned to her.

"Thank you for having dinner with us. It was really nice."

"You're welcome. It was wonderful. I should be thanking you."

She hesitated.

"Angel? Are you...are you happy?"

His face grew grim and tense. Uh, oh. There she went again with her big, stupid mouth.

"You're one of my best friends, Buffy. But you can be so blind sometimes."

"Angel, I didn't...I didn't mean..."

"I know. But please let me finish. I have to say this."

She waited in silence.

"You were my first love. Nothing can ever change that. But I was a child then. I'm a man now. And I realize that love can be so much more. First love, true love is wonderful and sometimes it lasts but sometimes it doesn't and you move on. The best thing you ever did for me was show me that love doesn't just come once in a lifetime. It can be anywhere in the world. It can happen at any time. There's no such thing as true love. Love is always true if you let it in."

"Angel, I..."

"Buffy, let me ramble for a bit, alright? I've waited to say this to you for a long time. First love can be deceiving, you know. It can stunt you and keep you in the past when there's something else out there, waiting for you if only you'd open up your arms and let it in. That woman we left back there? That's the something else. That's real and there and everyday. That's love, hard and painful and often mundane. It's the little moments. The touch of a hand before you leave for work. The smile waiting for you when you come home. It's real and it's not romantic or dramatic. It just IS. You think your love is the only kind worth having? You think Romeo and Juliet was the end all and be all? They died, what's so great about that? It's not. It's NOT. It's bullshit melodrama for schoolgirls. You don't die for love, you live for it. You FIGHT and never ever give up. She keeps me fighting, keeps me living. Just like you'll keep him fighting and living."

The tears came hot and fast and cleansing. How good he was. How much he saw and she'd never bothered to find out. She was so lucky to have them in her life. Never realized how much she should be grateful for.

"You're such a good man. Thank you. You break my heart, you know? In the best possible way. You all break my heart."

He kissed her hand and wiped away her tears.

"I'm just a man. Just like he is just a man. You have such a big heart. You are so strong. I know you can help him. I know you will."

"Yes. Yes, I will. I promise."

He winked at her.

"I'll hold you to that."

He walked her to the door and she embraced him one more time. Watched him walk jauntily back to his car, whistling under his breath. Going home to love. She was home to love too. She climbed the stairs to her bedroom. Funny, how she thought of it as her bedroom now. As if she had never lived anywhere else. She looked out her window at his and had to grasp the ledge to keep from falling. His blinds were open, his desk lamp casting an eerie soft light over his form.

He was standing there. Staring at her, as if he could feel her on the other side. He was shirtless and as she watched, he touched his hand to his chest, resting it over his heart. Almost unconsciously she took off her clothes and mimicked his movements. Together they traced each others' bodies by tracing their own. Their hands flowing over his chest, her breasts, his neck, her neck. Their faces and lips and arms. Becoming each other. Becoming one.

Too soon, too soon he started as if there was a noise behind him. He placed his hand over his lips and she did the same. Kissing without kissing. He snapped off the light and the blinds closed. She fell back on her bed shaking with the fierce connection, the heat burning her from within. There was no going back now. For the first time, she felt it. Angel's voice ringing in her head. Real and true and everyday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would fight. Tomorrow he would live.

I can feel you. Every part of you. I can't go back. To what it was like before. My life before was a dark, dusty, empty room. But you, you are the sun, stealing in. You are the breeze blowing away all the cobwebs. You fill my room. I won't go back. This is the beginning of forever and ever.

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