She tried to time her breaths with his. Maybe if she could do that, they would really become whole. Was this just her? Did other people feel this overwhelming need to become completely immersed in someone else? Did others fall so far and hard, knowing there was nothing down below to catch them? At what point should she try to reach out and grab ahold of something to break the fall? Perhaps she had already missed the chance. Maybe there was never anything there to hold onto. There was only this long, dark bottomless fall.

“Do you still love her?”

He stirred in her arms.

“Who?”

“Her.”

“Yes.”

“She’s married, you know.”

“I know.”

“I want to help you leave here. But I can’t help you try to break up a marriage. I can’t hurt Angel that way.”

He pulled away from her embrace and sat up on the couch.

“I will never leave here.”

She balled her fists in frustration and pounded them on her thighs.

“Why? Why do you keep saying you won’t go? You’re not happy here. Is it because you don’t want my help? Would you rather she comes for you instead? Is that what you want?”

“No. I can’t leave because this is what I have become.”

He gestured frantically, his hands beating brokenly like the wings of a dying bird.

“This house, this emptiness. This is me. If I leave this, what will I be? It’s too bright and fast and alive out there. I won’t make it out there. I’ll just fade away.”

She grasped his shoulders tightly, her fingers digging into his sharp bones.

“I won’t let you fade away.” He leaned his head gently on her breastbone.

“You’ll see how useless I am and you will grow weary of me. I know it. If I go with you, be with you, I won’t be able to support you or be a man for you or be anything but a burden and one day…one day, you’ll see it too and you’ll send me away. To a home for other broken useless things or back here to her again.”

“NO. I would never do that. I would never quit you.”

“I can’t be anything you want. Not a man…”

She silenced him with a kiss.

“Shhh. You’ve always been everything…my other side…best friend, tormentor, brother, love…”

My forever.

She pushed the thought away. Probably wouldn’t ever want to be that to her.

“You are a man.”

You are my man.

He kissed her back.

“The things you say…do you even know what they mean?”

“Yes.”

He shook his head slowly and turned his face towards the shuttered window. His face pale and still so smooth, as if searching for the sun hiding behind his shadows.

“I want to go back there.”

“Where?”

“Take me to the pond. Take me there.”

Grasping his hand, she got up and led him into the kitchen and out the back door. When I am here with you like this, I feel I could lead you anywhere and we would still be found.

After she helped him over the fence, she let him lead. He walked the path straight and sure, darting between the trees, his silvery hair peeking through the green leaves like frost slowly claiming them. When they reached the cornfield, he stretched out his arms and brushed the stalks gently with his fingertips. He looked like he was ready to take off in flight.

“Put your arms on top of mine. Pretend we are flying. No fear, right?”

“No fear.”

She laid her arms on his outstretched ones and propelled him through the rows of corn until they were running and she could hear his breaths being taken by the wind, rushing in her ears like wordless promises. Whenever he faltered, her hand was there waiting to steady him. Through the field and to the edge of the thicket of trees that sheltered the little pond. She craned her head and whispered in his ear.

“We’re here. Again.”

And here was now and then and forever and just a minute, a trembling breath.

His hands found hers and she led him to the edge of the pond where the red lilies still grew wild and lush. Tree branches arched overhead, spots of sunlight creeping through the leaves and reflecting back on the surface of the water. He wrenched off his shirt and pants and she was overtaken by the rays of sun illuminating his white shoulders. With a whoop, he dove into the water, slicing through, a blade to the bone. She lifted shaky hands to undo the buttons on her blouse watching for his head to surface. Nothing. Just mottled sunlight and the hum of invisible insects. She couldn’t stifle her cry of alarm and rushed in after him. Her wet clothes dragged her down and she felt heavy and languid in the water.

“Will?”

Nothing.

“Will! This isn’t funny! Will!”

Tears and pond water on her face.

Underneath her skirt billowed out around her by the water, she felt his warm fingers on her thigh. And he rose from below her, pushing her skirt out of the way and crashing his lips onto hers in a frenzy of heat and breath. His teeth cutting into her lips. When he drew away, she still hadn’t found air.

“Did I scare you?”

“I thought you…”

He dragged her under the water with him, their lips fused in a kiss. She felt herself drift away in his undertow, the feeling of his mouth on hers. The feeling she never needed to come up for air. When her lungs started to burn, she kicked her legs to rise to the surface. Broke it with a gasp and her head flung back to the sun. He followed her up and she pushed him onto his back so he could float. Soft and weightless as a cloud. She leaned over his floating form.

“I love you. I love you like the sun. The air I breathe.”

He dragged her on top of him. To her surprise they didn’t sink like a stone but were buoyed up by the water and her desire.

“I know you do. You’re so open. God, I wish I could be more like you. So sure. So true. So unafraid.”

She pressed her wet lips to his gently.

“Is that what you think? I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of everything.”

He ran his hands through her soaked hair and twisted a strand between his fingers.

“But you have always been so strong. You are…you are all things that don’t break.”

She laughed wryly.

“I’m broken every day. You break me open. Break me Will. Please…I need you.”

He stood up in the water and hefted her wet skirt around her waist. Pulled down her underwear and pushed into her hard, at once claiming and giving.

“Is this what you need?”

She gasped when a hard thrust hit a sensitive part within her. She had not been ready for him. But then…she was always waiting for him.

“Yes. I need you so deep it hurts. Be in me until I can’t tell where I end and you begin.”

He pulled out of her, making her wince with the loss. Dragged her out of the water and to the grassy bank. Rolled her over and pushed up her skirt. She ran her hands over his face, his shoulders, the trembling muscles in his thin arms. His words punctuated by low sounds of possession.

“There is no beginning or end. There is only this.”

This time, she undid her blouse and opened herself to him. Directed his head to her breast while their lower bodies churned like the violent sea during a storm. They rolled over the grass like they had done once in the cornfield. But it was different this time. Then they were children, fighting and mocking. Now…now they were lovers. His hand fisted in her hair, his lips on hers, his cock inside her. Pounding the life back into her.

“God, Will. God, I need you. I will never let you go.”

He sat up and she straddled him, her legs around his waist. Face to face, sharing the same breath. He moaned against her mouth and his words made her shake around him.

“Say it again. Say you love me forever.”

“I love you. More than forever. Beyond now or then or whatever may come.”

He gasped and jerked her down harder onto himself.

“I’ve never…I’ve never been with anyone else but you.”

She looked at him in shock.

“But…but Dru?”

“I’ve never wanted anyone but you.”

“I don’t understand…”

“It was always you. Your hungry eyes, your gentle smile…”

He smoothed his hands over her hips.

“The way you make me feel like I can fly. You make me feel like a man.”

She captured his face between her palms and kissed him so hard, she could feel the blood beating underneath his lips.

“You’re my man. You’re mine. I will never quit you.”

And with that, he came inside her. Warm and aching. Filling all the empty, dried up spaces inside her. She flung her head back and cried out her own release. Frightening birds sleeping on the trees above them into flight. She watched their wings beating, their shapes dark against the blue sky. Wishing they could fly into the sky too. Love, take me away.

He fell onto his back, taking her with him. She stretched her body on top of his, jut of hipbones meeting each other, her breasts crushed against his chest. Her mouth on his throat. Licking away the salty sweat from his collarbones.

“I wish I could stay with you like this forever.”

He trailed his fingers down her spine. Like a pianist caressing the keys.

“I know.”

“I don’t want to go to Dr. Travers’ funeral tomorrow.”

“Then don’t go.”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“I have to pay my respects.”

“I didn’t get to go to his funeral.”

She knew who he was talking about.

“I’m sorry. It was…it was everything he was. Everything good.”

He rolled out from underneath her.

“It should have been my funeral too. I died that day.”

She put her hands over her mouth. Tried to push back her screams of frustration. Of anger at his defeated tone.

“No! Why would you say that?”

He turned his head away. Listening to chirps of the birds and the rustling of leaves in the fading summer wind.

“Because…because I was never meant to live.”

She grabbed his chin in her hand. Turned his face back to her so she could look into his eyes. Look into his blank eyes for an answer. The truth she had been seeking for so long.

“What do you know? Tell me!”

Oh God. Tears. Shining on his thin, bloodless cheeks. The dark circles under his dull eyes. No longer blue but almost black.

“I heard…I heard footsteps. I was crouched on the floor. I was thinking of you. I wanted you to come for me. I wanted…I wanted you.”

To her horror, he placed his hand to his head in the shape of a gun. His index finger a barrel resting against his right temple.

“And then I felt something cold against here. There was a sound and I knew. I knew I was not meant to live. And…”

His voice rose to a high-pitched hum. A scream that tore the air apart. Tore her flesh from the bone. He cocked his finger and pulled an imaginary trigger.

“CLICK. And then I could feel this white-hot pain. It felt like a kiss. Burning like your lips on mine that night you came to me in moonlight. There was light…there was this LIGHT. Your face.”

She grabbed him and wrapped her arms around him so hard, she could feel every knob of his spine underneath her hands. Like thorns. He was screaming. High and childlike. She tasted blood on her lips, in her throat.

“Why is it so dark? Where are you Buffy?”

His fingernails dug down her arms, ripping red furrows in her skin.

“Where are you? I’m waiting for you. I want you to come to me in moonlight and kiss me again. I need you to come for me. Where are you? It’s so dark here. Why are you not here?”

One last cry. An animal in a trap. The scream of the damned. The scream of her darkest voice. Of him, her darkest voice.

“WHERE ARE YOU?”

He collapsed against her. Her blood under his nails. And her paralyzed horror echoing without sound into the dead air.

I could taste blood on my lips. I could feel the darkness overtaking me. He was sobbing. ‘I love you.’ The last thing I heard was those words. Low, cold, merciless. Judge, jury, and executioner. ‘I want to give you what you deserve.’

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